i hate it when i act like such a girly girl.. i'm at my ALL time low and i can't suck it in like i used to.. everyday, i feel like just picking up everything and just leaving. or just to get AWAY.. yah know? like a day at the beach or something... SOMETHING that will ease my unsettled mind.. ANYTHING.. i've come to the point where i can't surpress it anymore.. no matter how HARD i tried. this has just been one bad week.. heck, the last 3 weeks have been REALLY bad.. no sleep.. no time for me.. no time to do the things i used to do.. school's SO demanding right now.. and on top of that i've got internal problems to deal with (and yet i can't put it into words.. i feel it.. but i can't explain it..) ugh.. maybe if i just vent i'll relieve some stress...

ok.. so i thought i had it good.. but it's catching up to me and i question myself more and more everyday..is this it? or is there more?? is this what it has lead to and nothing else?? it's this wut i've worked hard for? lately, i feel like i'm working for a big NOTHING.. i understand that i cant always get what i want but at least some recognition yah know?? from them at least.. i work my butt off around the clock for them.. but whenever i seem to find time for myself that's when they demand more out of me.. can i just be normal teenager.. with a normal life and a normal feeling of.. HAPPINESS?? but no.. i'm not getting that...nothing's normal anymore.. nothing i've done has seem to work up to a certain point where i can just feel good about myself for being myself.. i hope this doesn't effect my relationship with a person.. but i have a feeling it is.. i just want to be LOVED.. it's not everyday i get hugs anymore.. it's not everyday i get recognition... it's more like neglect.. it's more of being pushed out of the picture.. i feel like i'm being erased.. no more me.. no more.. i've become people's puppet.. my strings have been overused and i'm left unappreciated for numerous tasks and favors i've done... it's no wonder i'm tired... i've been phsyically drained as well as emotionally drained... don't mess with my head... i'm armed with two fists that's backed by a lot of anger and resentment..

ahhh.. so TIRED.. leme recap my Berkley trip:

FRIDAY [03.07]

We left school @ 1:30 PM and headed to the airport. We checked our luggage in and then we had to go through security. I beeped so i was set aside to be searched. Then they found something in my shoe so i had to take off my shoes for them to x-ray. then i was cleared.. So we take off around 4 PM and arrive in Oakland around 5:30.. got to Durant Hotel around 6 PM. We had a NICE ROOM! with an ARCH and everything! =) So we change and head to committee. Got back to the hotel around 11:30.. and savored Top Dog hot dog until past midnight.. then stayed up with the girls until the wee hours of the morning.. except mona.. she fell alseep. haha. we had a lot of catching up to do..

SATURDAY [03.08]
committee in the morning then and hour of lunch.. then 4.5 hours more of committee. we went back to the hotel to change for a night out in the city! around 6 we leave to go to a subway station that took us to San Fransisco. From there we took a trolly to Little Italy. Johnny got hit by another trolly passing us (they are SO close together!!) and Neil almost fell off. Then there was drama in the restaurant we ate at.. but it's all good now.. no one got hurt. So we took the food to go took a trolly to china town to wait for a trolly that would go all the way back to the subway station.. didn't find an empty one so we just walked.. from CHINATOWN to SUBWAY.. that was FRIGGIN' far!! So we got back to our hotel and warmed up our now cold food and ate it in our hotel rooms while watching SNL.. yum.

SUNDAY [030.9]

both pammy and i woke up confused.. we didn't know how we got under the blankets.. we remember watching SNL and laying on time of the blankets sideways. but we don't remember falling asleep.. we both fell asleep with our hair wet... Kristen was still awake when we changed positions and said that we woke up at the same time and both got into bed and pulled the covers over our heads... odd.. it disoriented me for a while.. i didn't know i do that.. hmm.. i better be careful. anywho.. last committee day! then awards ceremony. we got delegation! =) but me and neil didn't win anything.. =( but it's ok.. i can just make my own gavel! and instead of USA i can put my name! yay! hehe then i got to see ELLEN, AUNTIE EVELYN, and UNCLE ALLAN! aww.. i miss them! i haven't seen them since.. 6th-7th grade.. wow.. that's a long time ago.. but i got to hang out with them! just not alone.. hehe it was fun. =) i'm satisfied now! hehe we hung out for at least an hour and a half.. and then we had to split up =(.. the bus came and then we head to the airport around 6 PM.. Mr. Watanabe told us pretty funny stories! haha and then we boarded the plane. Kristen and i found some interesting stuff in the Skymall magazine! there's a butt launcher! if you're really lazy you press a button and the seat launches you out of your chair! hahaha it was quite funnY! =)

then when i got home which was like around 11:30 - midnight.. i was craving for some pie.. =) now i gotta work on hamlet.. *sigh*