ahh.. why am i up? well.. the last two people left my house at around 2 AM.. yep. and diana's sleeping over. hmm.. wut can i say about today? i personally had mixed emotions. probably because it was an odd group to start off with... but i hope everyone had fun... i think the only person that did pick up that "something was wrong" was the person that i thought was least likely talk to me AT ALL. of course, knowing my instincts, i naturally cover up. Gosh.. i mean.. i did have fun. but everything looked so much better in my mind. i seriously thought everyone was gonna hate me for dragging them to something they didn't want to go to. ugh! i hate it when i worry! it's like.. *sigh* i dunno.. i guess i just want to make sure EVERYONE was comfortable and was having fun because i was the hostess. and a party isn't a good party unless everyone was happy... which i felt i didn't accomplish. and i KNOW i could have done SO much better. prolly cuz parents were home? or prolly cuz everyone didn't know everyone... ugh. i don't know. we were suppose to go beach, bowling, or park.. even though i don't know wut we would have done at the park.. but we ended up going to a crowded pool hall and bumping into michael paz.. so ditching the scene, we just renting the ring.. which personally i didn't find all that scary.. maybe because i had this horrific image of how the movie was suppose to be like and the movie just happened to turn out less that what i had expected... (the only time high expectations is an advantage). of course the ending was scary.. but you know.. i got my pillow.. ok ok.. so i cowardly crawled away from the TV and into someone's arms.. or more like an arm.. haha.. then after the movie we had a mini break.. which tong and i wrestled. that was fuN! =) g2g

ay crap.. this week is SO busy but it's busy in like a routined way if u catch my drift... it's like all organized and planned out.. something i'm not used to haha. So other days have been set aside for cotillion practices while wednesdays are mandatory scrip days. yep... no can do about those days.. me want sleep.. mm.. sleep. but sadly that's not what i'm going to get this week. although i'm actually fitting afternoon naps. haha well i finally got matresses for my bunk bed so i can actually sleep comfortably! yay! ah. ok.. getting off topic.. wait.. did i even have a topic to start off with? hmm. an interesting thought. i have NO clue where this entry is going but i'll just go with the flow of what english professors call the stream of consciousness...

you know what i need?? i need a day of spontaneous events.. i just want to set aside a day were i can go out with like one other person and just do spontaneous things.. i need a day that includes disneyland and the beach in one day.. or maybe downtown disney.. or beach hopping!!.. or check out restaurants.. or just drive around LA.. cruise Rodeo Dr. (even though we can get ticketed now.. haha). i dunno. i want to see places.. like maybe to trip to San Fransisco! or .. i dunno.. go exploring!! that would be fun.. i wanna go to Palawan, Philippines where there's deep blue water and white sandy beaches. There's also a cave to explore there! like one that the water sets in.. i heard it's pretty amazing.. and then that will take care of like three items on my "what to do in life" list. I want to spend a day and night in the Brazil Rainforest. I want to explore private beaches and jungles. I want to go star gazing in the mountains.. what kills me is knowing that i won't be able to get through all the things on my list. *sigh* ok.. imma go off.. my flight to dreamland is about to leave!

u know wut's my problem?? i worry about things too much and act as if what i worry about is true... it's like taking a precaution to a precaution that leads to destruction.. =( can't i do anything right? i feel like i'm losing touch with everyone and everything but why now? it's like a month and a half before graduation and this year seems like a repeat of last year. around sadies time too! *sigh* it's nothing that i should be worried about really.. but it's there.. maybe i'm just scared.. maybe i'm just scared of losing that feeling of confidence again.. why does everything happen to me around sadies?? it's become a bitter time of the year for me.. it's like reliving sophomore and junior year's month of April all over again. and yet it's so hard to talk about.. if anything it's hard enough for me to write this just because i'm putting myself out there. and i can't hold back this fear anymore. damn.. it takes a lot of reassurance for me to actually accept myself.. i dunno why tho.. and i don't know how to change that.. maybe it's from the constant poking of jokes that i got as i grew up leading me to lead an unsure life that gave me a self-esteem that flucuated. and i guess this is one of the periods where it's at it's low end... *sigh*.. this cycle sucks. maybe i should make myself happy before i make someone else happy.. maybe that's why the whole "courting" thing in high school never really worked out for me just because i was too scared. but this year seemed KINDA different. i'm taking more risks. but the old feelings of fear of rejection is flowing back in trying to hold me back.